What the bleep is wrong with you?
Do you think that Buddhism and Big Bird are going to save you? They can, of course, but that’s beside the point. Why are you binge-reading stupid self-help fluff like your life depends on it? It depends on the opposite. If you don’t take massive action after you finish reading this then I’m going to kick your arse.
If all you want are a few quotes and platitudes then please stop reading.
But what’s in it for you? That’s what you want to know, right? Will it help you to succeed? Will it make you more money than God? Will it make you sexy or popular? Will they finally love you? Will it stop you from feeling like such a fraud?
Do I have your undivided attention yet?
Good. I get paid to occupy your time. I don’t get paid by the word — those days are long gone. It’s all about content and algorithms now and other crap that I don’t understand. But between you and me, I wouldn’t share with you what I’m about to tell you if I didn’t think it would help.
There will still be wisdom from Buddhism and Big Bird, though, I promise.
Begin before you began
Elwood: “It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses.”
Jake: “Hit it.”
— The Blues Brothers (1980) [Film]
Here are some signposts to help you on your way.
Life is a long journey. You might want to go to the toilet before you set off. Life is like trying to drive all night but you’re drunk, you don’t know the road, it’s dark and you’re wearing sunglasses. Yes, that was a Blues Brothers reference. Please don’t sue me.
Life started before you began and will be over before you know it.
You’ve been on the road for a while. Your kids, if you have them, are fighting with each other and screaming in the back. At one point you nodded off, hit your head against the glass, and woke up to find someone else behind the wheel. Are you still going in the right direction? Does anyone have a map?
You don’t know when the exit is and you already regret not going to the toilet.
The road began before you were born and will be there long after you’re dead. No-one ever gets out alive but, wow, what a trip. I’d tell you to stop and smell the roses but you drive way too fast for that and roses get covered in sh!t. Pretend I wrote: “Gardeners fertilise roses with horse manure because it’s good for them.” But that doesn’t sound as punchy now, does it?
Buckle up, Buckaroos! You’re in for a bumpy ride.
Bodies bought and sold
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
— Bill Hicks
Life is a charnel ground.
Don’t stop; don’t look. Whatever you do, keep going. You don’t have time to sit amongst the dead, amid your hopes, your fears, or your dreams. If you slow down you might notice the roadkill piled up by the side of the road. They’re starting to stink up the place.
Who has time for that?
I’m inconsolable when I see dead animals, by the side of the road or otherwise, no matter the animal. A friend reassures me that roadkill is proof that “life’s doing well around here” but I don’t believe it for one second. Life is a journey. Time is a truck. You are roadkill.
According to Taoist philosopher Lao Tzu: “A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.”
It’s a good job. You missed your turning about a mile before the day you were born and now you must keep going. You’re not supposed to stop, you can’t reverse, and don’t even think about attempting a three point turn. As it happens, I don’t know how to drive and I’d much prefer to take public transport wherever I go. There’s a metaphor for life in there somewhere.
Don’t ask me for directions; this is what I’m saying.
Buddha versus the Buddha
If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him!
— Línjì Yìxuán
There’s a well-known phrase people often misquote and misunderstand:
“If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him!”
It’s attributed to the Chinese Buddhist sage Línjì Yìxuán. It was popular in the 1970s after a book of the same name by American psychotherapist Sheldon Kopp. The precise meaning is up for grabs and you can understand in different ways. The usual claptrap is that it means you don’t have all the answers and should be a better student. I’d say the opposite is true: it means you have everything you need to live your life.
The Buddha is already dead.
Siddhartha Gautama, known as the Buddha, lived in South Asia during the 6th or 5th century BCE. He founded Buddhism but we don’t know much about his life. He’s remembered for his teachings on how to achieve enlightenment and end suffering. The Buddha isn’t a god; he’s a man who is long since in the ground. His story reflects back at you your potential for enlightenment.
Stop looking outside of yourself for answers.
Don’t look for anyone to tell you how to live your life. Any time you look outside of yourself for wisdom you’re going to get into trouble. You don’t need to read any books on Buddhism if you understand this. I would say that, of course, because I’m lazy. But it’s still good advice and bears repeating.
You’re Buddha — we all are — but Buddhism is window dressing.
But that’s none of my business
when a cow drinks water, it becomes milk;
when a snake drinks water, it becomes poison— Omori Sogen
Are you a cow or a snake?
Omori Sogen held the position of a Japanese Rinzai Rōshi. He was also a successor within the Tenryū-ji lineage of Rinzai Zen. He said that when a cow drinks water it becomes milk and when a snake drinks water it becomes poison. It doesn’t, because science, but which would you prefer?
To quote the beloved writer Terry Pratchett:
“They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it’s not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.”
Do know enough to slake your thirst or enough to be dangerous?
Knowledge is milk or poison.
A famous Zen koan asks: “Who is the Master who makes the grass green?”You are, dummy. If you figure that out for yourself it’s a step toward enlightenment. Sorry, spoiler alert; I should have led with that. You can’t always control what happens in life but you can decide how you respond.
What you do with that is up to you.
In Zen the emphasis is on non-attachment to the external world. You’re encouraged to seek direct personal experience and not rely on authorities. That includes the historical Buddha. You need to disregard teachers, even revered ones, and forge your own path.
Nobody is going to save you.
Buddhism isn’t a religion
If you want the truth, I will tell you the truth:
Friend, listen: the God whom I love is inside.— Kabir, as translated by Robert Bly
Buddhism isn’t a religion; let that sink in.
Don’t become rigid or dogmatic in your understanding of Buddhism or any spiritual path. If you think you’ve found the truth, and fixate on that, it limits your potential. The ultimate realisation of Buddhism isn’t outside yourself. It’s awakening to your innate Buddha-nature which was there all along.
Think for yourself, and question authority, as Timothy Leary said:
Throughout human history, as our species has faced the frightening, terrorizing fact that we do not know who we are, or where we are going in this ocean of chaos, it has been the authorities — the political, the religious, the educational authorities — — who attempted to comfort us by giving us order, rules, regulations, informing — forming in our minds — their view of reality. To think for yourself you must question authority and learn how to put yourself in a state of vulnerable open-mindedness, chaotic, confused vulnerability to inform yourself.
— Timothy Leary
Make up your own mind.
Life is absurd, fear is suffocating, and death is inevitable. But you’re still alive even if you do nothing. Is inaction your best bet? Get moving. It doesn’t matter what, where, when, who with, or why. In the grand scheme of things all that matters is that you try.
Don’t contemplate your navel — or anyone else’s for that matter.
But where are all the female Zen masters?
Is it normal for a laminated photocopy to be one of your most treasured possessions? I ask for a friend.
I photocopied a picture from a book on Zen when I was a teenager. It’s an illustration by Naomi Rosenblatt. It’s from ‘Zen, for Beginners’ by Judith Blackstone and Zoran Josipovic. I laminated it and put it on my wall. To this day I still like to keep it above my writing desk and look at it when I’m writing or feel stuck.
It sums up the entirety of Zen in five words:
What is the way?
Go!
It’s among the best advice I’ve ever had.
I constructed a whole story around this picture in my head. It no doubt contradicts the contents of the book but it’s what worked for me. I decided that the young man asking “What is the way?” was a neophyte. The woman shouting “Go!” in reply was a female Zen master.
Where are all the female Zen masters?
That’s what I wanted to know. My biggest beef with Buddhism in general, and Zen in particular, was the lack of women in the movement. Buddhism has become more progressive and inclusive over the years. But this change has happened at a glacial pace and doesn’t go far enough.
There were some early female Zen masters like Baochi and Zukui as it happens. But their wisdom was almost lost to history.
It has almost always been the women in my life who push me to try harder. To do better, or be better, or to have the courage to act without knowing how things will turn out.
Big Bird brings it home
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
— Søren Kierkegaard
Kierkegaard reminds me of Zen Buddhism.
Years ago I went to the temple complex Ryōanji, in Kyoto, to the 15th century Japanese Zen garden. You can sit and count the stones in the garden. People sit and wonder what it means but I know the secret. At no point along where you can sit can you see all the stones at once. You can only view them all from above. We live in the moment but can only make sense of a life once it’s over.
In other words, it’s like Kierkegaard said:
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
Which brings me to my favourite bit of Buddhist wisdom: “Everyone makes mistakes, so why can’t you?” Words to live by. Was that Lao Tzu? The Buddha himself? No, it was Big Bird from Sesame Street. I’ll spare you the song and dance but if Big Bird isn’t an enlightened Zen master then no-one is.
Everyone makes mistakes, so why can’t you?
— Big Bird, Sesame Street
Life is messy.
You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to make a mess. You’re going to fall down and hurt yourself. Beware the myths and false promises of self-help books. Self-help doesn’t help; you have to help yourself.
It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.
I’m a bad Buddhist. I don’t sit or meditate, don’t believe in karma or reincarnation, and I keep my compassion for those who deserve it. Nobody’s perfect, but we’re all Buddha, so everyone is fine as they are. I am, in fact, a terrible Buddhist but even I understand this.
Life is a shitty first draft. You only get rewrites if you’re Buddhist.*
*That was a joke; please don’t email me.
But the most important thing I can tell you is this
“Begin at the beginning,” the King said, very gravely, “and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Keep your eyes on the road.
It’s dangerous to get distra —
Just what I needed to read. Loving Your writing style and the wisdom shared in such a caring yet irreverent style.
Great piece James. I love how you formatted this article. It was so engaging as a reader. Also, very insightful. We're all on this road that eventually leads to death, so why not figure out our mess. Retweet to everything you said on self-help - too much self-help porn nowadays.